This year, I have taken the liberty as a private citizen to draft a “Pro-Turkey Bill” and send it to Congress for immediate consideration. I have given this matter a lot of thought, and I have come to the conclusion that Thanksgiving is a completely antiquated practice. Furthermore, the majority of the turkeys don’t like it. I know that it’s an old tradition going back to the days of our Forepersons (if that’s a word), but in the year 2016, the practice just doesn’t make any sense. According to the old tradition, each State was allowed to cast a certain number of votes on Thanksgiving Day in order to elect the National Turkey Federation Chairperson. Now, the position of Chairperson is very important because this person is largely responsible for selecting the turkey to be pardoned by the President at the next National Thanksgiving Turkey Presentation at the White House. My “Pro-Turkey Bill” proposes to eliminate Thanksgiving altogether so that the turkeys can enjoy their normal lifespan of about five years or so. I know that this sounds radical, but something has to be done about all 50 States voting on the Turkey Chairperson.
Some of my readers may charge me with plagiarism since my bill bears some resemblance to the proposed bill of the distinguished Senator from California. The reputable news outlet CNN quotes Barbara Boxer as saying: “In my lifetime, I have seen two elections where the winner of the general election did not win the popular vote… The Electoral College is an outdated, undemocratic system that does not reflect our modern society, and it needs to change immediately. Every American should be guaranteed that their vote counts.” So Senator Boxer wants to abolish the Electoral College. She would probably like to abolish it before Dec. 19, but that is constitutionally impossible. Nevertheless, her valiant effort to change the system might persuade some electors to demonstrate their disloyalty to their own States. I do see, however, one small problem with her idea. If we elect a President by popular vote, it seems that the States with the largest populations would more or less control the outcome of the election. It’s interesting that the Senator from California wants the biggest States to have the biggest voice. I don’t hear anyone from Wisconsin applauding her efforts! Following Boxer’s logic of “democracy”, the Rust Belt will be excluded from having any significant voice in future presidential elections. One wonders if Boxer’s “democracy” is not in essence a veiled “oligarchy”.
But getting back to my point about plagiarism, it should be obvious by now that my “Pro-Turkey Bill” is quite different from Boxer’s bill. I don’t simply want two or three large States to elect the National Turkey Federation Chairperson; I want to abolish Thanksgiving altogether. Believe me, the turkeys in our country will be much happier if my bill is passed. Besides, I can’t see that anybody is really very thankful about anything anymore. For the most part, people seem distressed, and the turkeys are running wild out of fear. So let’s put an end to this nonsense. If we can’t be thankful, we can at least be civil to each other.
Just in case my bill fails, Happy Thanksgiving at all!
Villager Jack Brush is a frequent contributor to Villages-News.com
