Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
They got up, unplugged my computer and threw away my wine. It’s funny, sort of. This story came to me in a Facebook posting. But the reality is, leaving your children to make your final decisions, or cope with the end of life, does not always mean things will go way you pictured, unless you decide to do advanced end of life planning.
Tony Kamus, marketing director for Beyers Funeral Home and Crematory of Lake County, and Purcell Chapel in Bushnell, (www.beyersfuneralhome.com) has been involved with the funeral profession for 41 years. He has had the opportunity to speak with many people about end of life planning. He receives all kinds of responses, to I’m not ready; do I need to do that; or I need to do that but not right now; to the occasional yes, I need to start that process. Most people are reluctant to discuss their final plans for a number of reasons, from superstitions to total denial of reality that life will end. Tony is reminded daily of the finality of life when handling the arrangements for someone’s loved one. Death has no respecter of age, social or financial status. Our society defies death. Some of the reasons are the great advances in medical care to preserve and extend life that are available to us.
I asked Tony why preplanning for end of life is so important? Why not let the ones we leave behind worry about it?
There are four questions every family must answer when plans are not made in advance. They are 1) which funeral or cremation provider to use; 2) what type of final arrangements will be made; 3) how much will be spent or what is the budget; and 4) how will the final plans be paid for?
Every day families all over America face these questions with little or no information or provision from the one who died. They anguish over what to do and if they are doing what their loved one wanted. Many times when plans are not made in advance and families don’t know what to do, they will start the process by calling different funeral or cremation providers and ask the costs for particular services or arrangements.
Out of fear of making a wrong decision, the family often will choose a low cost or the lowest cost provider to try to mitigate any financial overspending, just to discover after they have engaged the provider, that the services are substandard, not adequate or complete, or didn’t meet their expectations. There is a saying in business that you get what you pay for. Those who do plan ahead give their survivors a gift of love we call “peace of mind.” By planning ahead they have eliminated the burden of the four questions mentioned earlier. The survivors will know, because of the planning, who to call, what to do, how much to spend based on the plan and the budget established, and where the funding of the plan will be coming from. All are relieved from the financial and emotional stress that come from planning funeral and cremation final arrangements at a family’s most difficult time in their life. The peace of mind that comes from doing this, as Tony quotes, is priceless.
Costs can be controlled with preplanning by establishing a budget based on current cost of services and merchandise, and by setting up a financial plan to guarantee current costs. The funds are placed in either a trust or insurance policy that is specially designed for this purpose. By planning the costs in advance, it will prevent emotional overspending and relieve the financial stress from the survivors.
So how does one begin the process? Tony shared a story of a gentleman that lived to almost age 115 in Minnesota. He was interviewed several years ago and was asked the secret to longevity of life. He replied with some interesting comments like “only eat two meals a day, that’s all you need, help others, accept and embrace change, keep working, you’ll need the money.” But he stated that the hardest thing he had to learn was to accept death. His grandfather taught him how to do that and once he understood for himself, he felt a tremendous stress was lifted from him.
Tony believes that the biggest obstacle to someone making end of life plans is accepting that they will die one day. It’s a one to one ratio in this life, birth to death. Tony has found that people who can’t talk about death, especially their own, will not make end of life plans. But those who can, will realize the benefits of doing that for themselves and their survivors. This is what he calls the reality stage. Unfortunately, even in this day and time, the ones that plan ahead are in the minority.
The next step after you have reached the reality stage is to reflect on what you believe is the best plan for your survivors. Notice Tony said what is best for your survivors, not just what you want done. How do you know what will be best? Tony hears people say that they want to speak with their children about their plans but they most likely will get two responses, “what’s wrong”; and, “don’t worry about that, we’ll take care of that when the time comes.” The reason for these causal responses is because the children don’t want to think about their parent(s) not being around.
It is wise to start the process of planning for life end with a funeral professional to get some expert advice and options. This is the research stage. After the reflection and the research, the next step is to record the information and the plan. Most funeral professionals will provide a planning guide to assist with the recording of vital statistical information, funeral, burial, and cremation plans including the final placement of the cremated remains, the location of necessary documents after death, and the names and contact information of the other professionals that will be assisting with after death activities and settling of estate needs. The funeral professionals will also record the information needed for the funeral and cremation plan for their own file.
Reducing costs by funding the plan is also discussed and options presented. The survivors need to have a source of reliable funds to take care of the expenses. Finally, Tony shares with those that are assisted with the planning process that they can finally relax, knowing that they have taken care of their final arrangements. Families feel a sense of security and peace of mind knowing they are executing the plan their loved one directed and provided.
There are many options today regarding funeral, burial and cremation arrangements. Most services today are personalized to reflect the person’s life including their career and their interests. Photographs, personal items, and power point photo presentations are used with testimonies from family members and friends about the deceased. Many families will have a reception where family and friends gather to remember and reminisce about the deceased. All function to help the family through the initial stages of grief and to have an emotional healthy experience of going through the grief process. And that is the reason you make your plans, to take care of those that you leave behind.
Here are the major benefits to end of life planning:
• Puts you in control and ensures your wishes will be known.
• Provides social, psychological and emotional benefits to your loved ones at a difficult time.
• Allows you to set aside funds and relieve your family of a financial burden.
• Provides the peace of mind of knowing that “your affairs are in order.”
Please send questions and comments to Jane Bloom, The Other Daughter, www.theotherdaughter.org or email janeinthevillages@gmail.com 425 299 6020
