I am The Other Daughter, that is my business here in The Villages, where I provide services for seniors who need the support that a family member would offer; meeting the needs of seniors when family is far away.
However, right now, I am also “the daughter,” one of three, the one who is close by as well as the power of attorney and decision maker on medical care. I am the daughter of a 92-year-old mother who is in the process of dying slowly, with dementia being the root of the evil which keeps her from eating, drinking and energizing herself to take part in the care that she is in a rehabilitation center to receive.
As a licensed Assisted Living Administrator in the State of Florida, I should know, and do know, what to expect when someone of my mother’s age and fragility at 99 pounds and dropping, is heading towards. I know that when the body becomes weak, and the mind cannot connect the consequences of dehydration and malnourishment, that the end is near. I have seen it so many times, in the mothers of others, but not mine.
I understand that there comes a time when there is not a comeback, like all the times before when a parent was ill, that there is a last time that will not be a next time. I have had to share that reality and impending loss with so many other adult children whose parents I have provided oversight for in the assisted living communities I have administered. The conversation of what was, what is, and what to do has been has with sons and daughters, grandchildren, and friends. The same questions and emotions are expressed in similar fashion by most who watch someone turn from vibrant to complacent to living an existence which has no sense of time or place or purpose. I have had those talks, as the expert, not as the one watching their mother fade in body and spirit and mind.
Someone has to make decisions when a person can no longer do so for themselves, which is why so many turn to some of the great elder lawyers we have in The Villages and surrounding areas, in order to be prepared for when the day comes, and to trust the chosen one. It seems reasonable to take on this task at a time when someone’s thinking and reasoning has been demonized by the disease of dementia. It may feel like common sense is all that is needed to decide on what is most appropriate for living and care arrangements based on a perceived need, or a decline in status. Seems not too complicated, until it is your mother and you know the person and who they were, what they loved, and now what they need, which may not be anything close to what they ever would have dreamed.
When the cashmere sweaters are now substituted for the easy pull over sweat shirt; when the carefully ironed and pleated pants are now hanging on the cushioned hanger and the jersey elastic pants are the fashion of the day in order to be as independent as possible; when the perfectly coiffed hair is now combed in a manageable fashion; and when the stylish shoes which matched the outfit and purse are now a slip on shoe not found in any popular magazine; and when there is no complaint or resistance to an outfit that would not have been worn on the worst day of the year, it is then you know, it is then your heart breaks, because you see that your mother has moved to a place in her life that is like one she has never gone to before and will not be coming back from.
I am now not the Consultant or Administrator participating in the talk of the experience to lift others during their time of grieving loss, but I am about living through the experience as any other daughter or son would. I will be better as “The Other Daughter” to those seeking my services, because I will have felt the pain, the sadness, the feeling of helplessness, as I watch my own mother taking her journey on a road that we all wish was less travelled.
For questions or comments, please contact Jane Bloom, The Other Daughter, www.theotherdaughter.org or email janeinthevillages@gmail.com (352) 391-08999
