Dr. Golden Hair to the rescue

John Shewchuk

We’ve all heard about Volumes 1 and 2 of the Mueller Report.  Just recently, Volume 3 has been released.  Bits and pieces of this volume have been leaked, but I can now reveal its details.  Volume 3 contains the un-redacted transcript of the dramatic life & death, tipping-point crisis of our beloved earth.  It all started about 10 years ago when an ambulance carrying Mother Earth arrived at Doctor Frankenstein’s office … 

Mother Earth was unconscious as they brought her into the operating room. Dr Frankenstein said, “The patience looks like the walking dead. It just doesn’t make sense. We made big cuts in emissions. I guess we should cut more. We gotta operate and see what’s up.  Someone help me put my mask on.”  Nurse Killary said, “You’ll first need to remove that cigarette from your mouth.”  Dr. Frankenstein replied, “Forget the mask. Just stand ready with that ashtray.”  As Dr. Frankenstein began to operate, he slowly turned to Nurse Killary, and with a calming voice said, “I suddenly feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.” Nurse Killary looked up and said with a smile, “That’s just your assistant, Dr. Quack. He’s massaging your shoulders again.” 

Suddenly, the power went out.  Dr. Frankenstein promptly ordered, “Turn on the solar backup power!”  Nurse Killary responded, “But it’s nighttime – no power till morning.”  Frankenstein shouted back, “Then switch on the wind power!”  Nurse Killary retorted, “But there’s no wind.  Remember … after you told the oceans to stop rising, you then told the climate to stop changing — so the winds stopped too!”

Just then, Mother Earth began gasping for air as her vital signs became erratic.  “More oxygen,” Dr Frankenstein said.  “Give her more oxygen!”  Mother Earth immediately lifted her weak and failing hand, and with a frightening expression, she looked straight into Frankenstein’s eyes … and then collapsed. 

Mother Earth was now in that dreaded environmental comma, called the tipping-point.  Days, months, and years passed as Mother Earth remained in intensive care.  Dr Frankenstein conferred with IPCC specialists with no success.  As things became alarmingly serious, Dr Frankenstein convened a think tank of the alarmed.  All the alarmists tried their best, but with no success.  Out of frustration, Dr Frankenstein cries, “Tell Dr. Ivan to bring me a vodka martini.  I just ran out of cigarettes.” 

Finally … someone mentioned that they knew a stranger who seemed to have a magic wand and could quickly turn ugly grey countryside into fertile green lands. So they summed the stranger. Within seconds, he enters the room, looks at the patient, and immediately notices the oxygen fed breathing tube. He quickly turns off the oxygen and starts pumping carbon dioxide (CO2) into Mother Earth. Her color immediately returns as her vital signs slowly return to normal. 

The stranger turns to the others and shouts, “You were suffocating her!  She needs CO2, not oxygen!  Her CO2 was dangerously low. Plants need lots of CO2 and animals in turn need the plants.”  He then points to the door and says, “You’re all fake. You’re fired!  Get out and take the IPCC and the Russians with you.”       

Now feeling much better, Mother Earth reaches up and asks, “Who are you?”  The stranger responds, “I’m Dr. Golden Hair. I’m the stable genius here and I intend to drain this swamp of fakers.”  With a big smile, Mother Earth gently holds Dr. Golden Hair’s hand and quietly says, “Even the earth needs its share of swamps. But, I wouldn’t mind if you drain a few.”

And now you know the rest of the story.

Villager John Shewchuk is a frequent contributor to Villages-News.com.