In 2009, in a valiant effort to save the world from ourselves, the Obama administration declared carbon dioxide (CO2) a dangerous pollutant. Incredible. Who’d ever thought plant food was a pollutant. No doubt pictures of evil plants will soon be appearing on your local post office’s most wanted list.
But back to our salvation. Following that EPA declaration of war against CO2, and in direct defiance of the Obama administration, the US population went on a drinking binge. Sales of both beer and soda soared after that sobering ruling.
But how are beer and soda sales impeding the war on CO2 you ask? It’s a result of that very familiar, “pop-fizz” sound. It’s CO2 escaping into the atmosphere. OMG … how can that be?
Much of that CO2 which is being scrubbed from industrial emissions, are being secretly piped into our beer and soda cans. This is done by legions of evil industries working deep inside unmarked buildings. While chanting sinister spells, they use high pressure and very cold temperatures to force this satanic CO2 gas into our beer and soda. This demonic process is called carbonization. It’s a conveniently covert way to store a pollutant — and apparently unknown to our government.
As the CO2 mixes with the soda and beer, it creates carbonic acid. This “acid” gives your drink that tingly, and slightly stinging sensation, as the carbonic acid wakes up your taste buds. As an opened container of soda or beer warms, the evil CO2 gas escapes into the air while the carbonic acid levels decrease — and the soda and beer go flat. So while you exhale CO2 with each breath, and release CO2 with each opened beer and soda (and sparkling water, seltzer, etc.), don’t let the government see you, as you may be arrested for polluting the air.
One more thing. As you’re being hauled off to prison for exhaling that wicked CO2 pollutant and drinking those sinful carbonated beverages, your plants will anxiously await your return. They love you, especially when you talk to them up close. They love your CO2 saturated breath — it’s the food of life for them.
And another thing. Acids and alcohol kill viruses.
John Shewchuk is resident of the Village of Calumet Grove.