I love finding hidden treasures among my own junk! I recently found another forgotten pleasantry handed down to me by one of my favorite knuckleheads. It was a letter printed on 1980s-style computer paper – the old-fashioned kind that came neatly folded into its box. After printing your documents, you separated each page along the perforated lines. The letter was still in the envelope he mailed it to me in, which again only shows how old it is.
He opens the note by telling me, “I’m sending you this interesting yet useless information. I thought you would enjoy it.”
Oddly, I do not recall ever reading any of the particulars he had mentioned. For starters, did you know that in the late 1770s, most homes had only a large room with one chair? A long wide board was commonly folded down from the wall and used for dining. The “head of household” always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. However, sometimes, when an important male guest visited, he was invited to sit in this chair. He was considered a “chair man,” hence the expression “Chairman” or “Chairman of the Board.”
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year. (May and October) Women kept their hair covered. Men shaved their heads because of lice and bugs and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made of wool, but you couldn’t wash them. To clean them, they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term “big wig,” which is still a term acknowledging wealth and power.
Needless to say, personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, women and men developed severe acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bees’ wax over their faces to smooth out their complexion. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another lady’s face, she told her to “mind your beeswax.”
However, when the woman would smile, the wax would crack, hence the expression, “crack a smile.”
Lastly, if she sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt, creating the phrase “losing face.”
Women wore corsets in the olden days, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified lady wore a tightly tied lace like a “straight-laced” lady.
In George Washington’s days, images were either sculpted or painted because there were no cameras. Some paintings of Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back. In contrast, others displayed a combination of legs and arms positions. The artist based fees on how many limbs he painted, not how many people. Thus the expression, “It will cost you an arm and a leg!”
With no telephones or televisions to get feedback, early politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, bars, and pubs to “go sip” some ale with the locals. They wanted them to listen to the people’s conversations and political concerns. Eventually, the two words combined created the term “gossip.”
At these establishments, patrons drank pints and quart-sized containers of ale. A bar maid’s job was to monitor the customers and ensure the drinks flowed. She had to pay close attention to customers and remember who was drinking “pints” and who was drinking “quarts,” hence the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s.”
During that time, standard entertainment was playing cards. However, a tax was levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the “Ace of Spades.”
To avoid paying the tax, some people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were considered dumb because they weren’t “playing with a full deck.”
Finally, the expression, “Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey,” which one would think sounds inappropriate, is quite literal. All warships and freighters carried iron cannons in the heydays of sailing ships. Those cannons fired round iron balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the weapon, but they needed to find a way to prevent them from rolling about the deck. The best storage method was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area next to the cannon. There was only one problem, how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling under the others.
The solution was a “Monkey” metal plate with 16 round indentations. But, the balls would quickly rust onto it when it was made of iron. The solution to the rusting problem was to make “Brass Monkeys.”
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too quickly. The brass indentions would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus the expression is not at all meant to be improper!
With that, I can’t wait to see what the millennials do to all of our old expressions.
Laugh on. Peace out!
Lisa DeMarco is a columnist for Villages-News.com