The other evening, The Blonde in the house and I were at a meeting of the Old-Time Radio Drama Club. This was a special meeting as they had The L. Ron Hubbard East Coast Golden Age Theater folks there. While most folks know Hubbard as a sci-fi guy, he wrote loads of pulp fiction of all types. His writings included westerns, and the aforementioned group gave a rendering of one of them “The Toughest Ranger”. It was an enjoyable evening.
I enjoy pulp fiction, and I wish I had been around to write some when it was popular. However, most of it was written before my time. There are some who believe that I was there! I did read many a story though – and still do. However, if I had been around then, I would have written stories which combined sci-fi and westerns. For example, my main hero would have been Larry from Lem, the dumbest cowpoke around. If you will bear with me, I will supply you with the facts as to why he was dumb.
You may have a question as to where Larry’s home country of Lem is located. Well, as probably all of you know Moo is where Alley Oop lives, and Lem is the country next to Moo. The king of Lem is always trying to conquer Moo, especially when Alley is away on his time travels. Alley always makes it back in order to win the day – just like in a good old Western. Now Larry was about fifth in command after the king of Lem, and during one of the forays into Moo he stumbles on to one of Alley’s time machines.
Naturally, he hits a button that propels him into the late 1800’s right in the midst of Wyatt Earp territory, As is obvious, cave men were not the best dressed people around, so the first thing that happens to Larry is that Wyatt throws him into a cell for indecent exposure. Larry does not know what has happened to him, but he doesn’t like being in a cell, so being strong he bends the bars and leaves. There was another guy in the cell so he leaves as well. He is the notorious semi-bad guy, Heathrow the Slow (he couldn’t out draw anyone). Heathrow thinks that perhaps a guy as strong as Larry might be of use.
He takes Larry to his cabin in the woods and gives him some clothes so that Wyatt will not lock him up again. Since Larry is still bewildered, Heathrow tells him that they need to knock over a stagecoach in order to get some money. Larry does not know what a stagecoach or money is, but Heathrow seems to be a good guy so he says OK. Heathrow gives him a gun, but he doesn’t know what to do with it. However, he lost his club during his time travel, so he figures it might work as a sub until he can find a good club.
They go out on the trail into town and wait for the stagecoach. Larry does not know for what they are waiting. Heathrow explains and when the coach shows up, Larry remembers that Heathrow indicated that they needed to knock the stagecoach over. So Larry rushes the coach and gives in a big bang on the side and knocks it over. Everyone is astounded, but Heathrow grabs the gold mail bag, and propels Larry up into the hills where they escape. This was a special delivery gold pouch and there was so much gold that Heathrow decides they have enough to go east and live the good life.
They both end up in Kansas City where they each find a good little woman. Larry’s wife determines that he is not really dumb, just uneducated. So she makes him go to school where he learns to be a CPA and they all live happily ever after!
Now aren’t you glad that I didn’t live when they wrote pulp stories. I bet L. Ron Hubbard is!
Barry Evans writes about Life in The Villages for Villages-News.com.
